It’s an ordinary day in an ordinary life. Nothing exceptional happened to make me take notice of events surrounding today. A boring day at work; no exciting lunch time conversation; no drama to make me run out the door. In fact, I stayed a little longer to complete an assignment. Nothing!
My living room has a serious draft requiring that I buy some plastic for the windows. As an added measure I am buying some heavy curtains to block the air from the sides. Money is tight so I have to buy something a little cheaper. Marshalls or Anna’s Linen may do the trick. This is hibernation season so I am on a mission to get back home.
I arrive at Anna’s Linens first. Yes, a sale on curtain panels. Panels were on sale at the right price and color. I see that decorator pillows are on sale too. I choose a few that will match my color scheme but I am not really sure. I hope I don’t have to take them back. I make my purchase but decide to go to Marshalls anyway. They may have a better price, better fabric or better pillows. I am already out of my league for a frigid night but I am out. God knows when I will venture again.
There is a new Marshalls on 119th Street. The store is bright and it looks to be organized which is a miracle for any Marshalls. The decorator pillows were in a small section in the front of the store. Truly this could not be it! See what they put in our neighborhood. Other stores in other areas have a whole aisle of pillows in different colors and sizes. I should have known.
I look toward the back of the store and notice that there is another section for home décor. Ok, then. As I turn to walk to the back of the store, I saw IT in the front of the store. That is unusual. My eyes were glued to it. My heart started to beat a little faster and I get a little tingle up my back. I cannot believe what I am seeing. I am not going to panic because it won’t be right, it never is. It is never right for me. A little bead of sweat formed. I unbuttoned my coat and loosen my scarf. I bump into a stool because my eyes are focused. I am almost there.
When I reach my destination, I could not believe it. There it was. A halo of light shone around it. This was truly my prince charming moment. Had I found it? Could this be my destiny? Had my day prepared me for this moment? I had to touch it to see if this was real. I could not believe it. I just looked at it in disbelief. I had been searching for some time and I finally found it.
I looked a little closer. This could not be happening to me. The song from the Sound of Music came to my head, “Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good!” As I examine it closer, my exciting mounts. I let it caress me, become a part of me. I exhaled.
Then the guilt hit me. This is a forbidden relationship. I can’t do this. I promised. I told myself that I would not do this again. This is WRONG! Why do you fall into this trap time and time again? Why can’t I break from this dysfunctional pattern? How much pain must I go through before I learn? I know this will cost me in the end! Yet, I continue to participate in it. The addiction has taken over AGAIN. An overwhelming sadness crept over me that I have felt many times before. I touch it again because I know I have to leave it.
My addiction kept whispering to me that it would be OK to have it. My sensibility told me that I knew better. You can have it, no you can’t. Yes you can, no you can’t. YES. NO. YES. NO!!!!!!!!! S T O P I T!
I sit writing about my experience today; allowing myself to share my struggles with my addiction. I constantly have to allow myself to understand what it could do you, to your family and your self-esteem. Understanding how it destroys lives if you let it. I had to admit that I am powerless over ____and that my life had become unmanageable. I have to pray the Serenity Prayer frequently. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”
I stare at this monitor thinking back on today’s events. Measuring my response to today’s stresses. I rub my temples, pondering when it will not be a struggle for me. When I will be free? I am not going to let my shoulders bend. I am going to sit tall as I swing my feet in my PANTENT LEATHER MARY JANES.
Hey, what’s a girl to do?
aggball66 