aggball66

What had happened was…

I couldn’t talk about it before (due to contract talks) but I can now.  I flew to New York to meet with producers of OWN to discuss making one of my short stories a movie or topic of a Life Class series.  I stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Central Park.  I love the hotel because you get a great view of Central Park.  I love to watch the people move about in the city.

The next morning a car picked me up from my hotel even though the office was three blocks away. I guess rich people don’t walk city streets.  After three hours of meetings, the deal fell through.  The project was not a good fit for either party (mainly them).  I would have fit into almost anything had they given me a minute.  I was crushed but there will be other offers that will work out.

Later that evening I was on a flight back to Chicago.  I’d un-friend, un-followed, un-liked the network on all of my social media outlets.  I wasn’t upset though.  The best part about this whole experience was a trip to New York City, a nice hotel stay and I lost 10 pounds because I was so nervous.

I got engaged. Everyone who knows me knows that if I say “yes”, we better go right away.  Besides the ring was 4 carats.  We applied for our license at City Hall two days later.  There was a special that day to get married at 1:00pm for anyone who was interested for $25.  What a bargain! You know I love a good bargain.  I went along with the short notice ceremony despite the fact I did not have on my colors for camera or my best outfit.  There would be no time to go home to change or buy an outfit.  Plus if I left you could forget about a wedding that day.   I was ready to back out of the marriage thing because if waiting in the long line was inconvenient, how would the marriage thing go?

There were fifteen couples that agreed to get married that day.  Judging by the room no one were really prepared to get married today except for this one lady who looks like she is always ready for any occasion.  I can’t stand people like her.  At the ceremony there was supposed to be a surprise wedding singer.  I’m thinking Brian McKnight; Luther Vandross is dead so no chance of that.  When the balding judge walks out I was a little disappointed because I was hoping for Judge Mathis.  That would have made this day a little special.  This guy is not picture friendly.  He starts the ceremony and in walks Drake.  Really?  How inappropriate is that?  Apparently he was in town promoting his new adventure and agreed this would be an add-on. Drake sings a song he wrote for the occasion.  I was feeling it until he added a little rap toward the end.  Uh, not so much.  The ceremony was short and sweet; about 10 minutes tops.  When I left the building, I yelled, “Iz married now.”  I always wanted to say that but the reality of the statement hit me.  I am married. Who would have thunk it? I know my friends and family were going to be upset when they found out especially my sister, Yvette.  She has been planning my wedding with any guy I date more than three months. Since my friend Monique is getting married this spring, I’ll plan a little party in the summer to announce to every one of our nuptials.  The wedding was such a surprise and done so quickly, we decided to take a short weekend trip.  Found a great little getaway on Groupon to Lake Geneva.  Nice!

We decided to move into my house because he had a tiny apartment.  When he moved into my house, I had to lay down the rules about tidiness, laundry days, lights out and quiet time.  Hey, I’m in love but real is real.  Everything was going fine.  I was very surprised because I KNOW I am not the easiest person to get along with.  I think I’m happy because I dropped an additional 10 pounds in a week.

I went to get the ring appraised for insurance purposes at Diamonds on Wabash.   At the store, a very handsome older gentleman attends to me. He looks at my ring with one of those telescopy things for jewelry.  He announces that my ring is CZ – Cubic Zirconia!  What the hoody hoo! I asked if it was at least the quality CZ.  Not a chance.  I go down the street to Dorothy Brown’s office to file for an annulment on the basis of fraud.  I am really pissed because it cost more money and time to file for annulment than to get married.  I guess it was cheaper to keep him.

I wondered if I should share this little embarrassment with my friends and family or keep to myself. No, this was too emotional to keep bottled inside.  I would try to make the situation seem funny so everyone will laugh with me and not at me. This will live in infamy.  I have to just get ready to be the brunt of all the jokes for years to come.

I go through a mild depression.  Instead of dropping weight I gain back the 20 pounds.  I hate emotional eating!  What makes matters worse, along with my heart rebelling my appliances do too. My refrigerator malfunctions after 18 months.  I call Sears for repair.  The compressor went out and it cost $650.  I have a service contract which turned out to be invalid…just like my marriage.  I purchased a new refrigerator rather than to fight it out with Sears because I just did not have the strength.  A week later I have to call the gas company because my stove was leaking gas. Back to the store to buy a stove.  This is just beautiful.

Despite the emotional and financial toll, Maurya, a book club member, requested me to invite a local author to our meeting.  The book has an unusual title – The Supremes at Earl’s All You Can Eat.  Sounds interesting and its a New York Bestseller.  The author Edward Kelsey Moore agreed to discuss his book.  I am so glad the book was interesting and funny.  It is definitely a must read for everyone. The author was so engaging and friendly. This undertaking turned out to be the best thing that happened in months.

I sigh as I share my adventures with you.  Not because it was emotionally draining but because its fantasy.  Well, the appliances breaking down and the book club meeting are true.  Truth is I was bored.  I gave up Facebook for Lent and I had no opportunity to eavesdrop on others’ lives. I’m quite sure someone said something that required my comment or “like”.  How many parties or events did I miss because people announce things on Facebook rather than an invitation in the mail?  If I didn’t watch the news I would see it on Facebook.  How many birthdays I failed to acknowledge because Facebook gives me that little heads up?  All was missed.  See what happens when I take a break from Facebook!

January 5, 2010 at 1:12am

It’s an ordinary day in an ordinary life. Nothing exceptional happened to make me take notice of events surrounding today. A boring day at work; no exciting lunch time conversation; no drama to make me run out the door. In fact, I stayed a little longer to complete an assignment. Nothing!

My living room has a serious draft requiring that I buy some plastic for the windows. As an added measure I am buying some heavy curtains to block the air from the sides. Money is tight so I have to buy something a little cheaper. Marshalls or Anna’s Linen may do the trick. This is hibernation season so I am on a mission to get back home.

I arrive at Anna’s Linens first. Yes, a sale on curtain panels. Panels were on sale at the right price and color. I see that decorator pillows are on sale too. I choose a few that will match my color scheme but I am not really sure. I hope I don’t have to take them back. I make my purchase but decide to go to Marshalls anyway. They may have a better price, better fabric or better pillows. I am already out of my league for a frigid night but I am out. God knows when I will venture again.

There is a new Marshalls on 119th Street. The store is bright and it looks to be organized which is a miracle for any Marshalls. The decorator pillows were in a small section in the front of the store. Truly this could not be it! See what they put in our neighborhood. Other stores in other areas have a whole aisle of pillows in different colors and sizes. I should have known.

I look toward the back of the store and notice that there is another section for home décor. Ok, then. As I turn to walk to the back of the store, I saw IT in the front of the store. That is unusual. My eyes were glued to it. My heart started to beat a little faster and I get a little tingle up my back. I cannot believe what I am seeing. I am not going to panic because it won’t be right, it never is. It is never right for me. A little bead of sweat formed. I unbuttoned my coat and loosen my scarf. I bump into a stool because my eyes are focused. I am almost there.

When I reach my destination, I could not believe it. There it was. A halo of light shone around it. This was truly my prince charming moment. Had I found it? Could this be my destiny? Had my day prepared me for this moment? I had to touch it to see if this was real. I could not believe it. I just looked at it in disbelief. I had been searching for some time and I finally found it.

I looked a little closer. This could not be happening to me. The song from the Sound of Music came to my head, “Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good!” As I examine it closer, my exciting mounts. I let it caress me, become a part of me. I exhaled.

Then the guilt hit me. This is a forbidden relationship. I can’t do this. I promised. I told myself that I would not do this again. This is WRONG! Why do you fall into this trap time and time again? Why can’t I break from this dysfunctional pattern? How much pain must I go through before I learn? I know this will cost me in the end! Yet, I continue to participate in it. The addiction has taken over AGAIN. An overwhelming sadness crept over me that I have felt many times before. I touch it again because I know I have to leave it.

My addiction kept whispering to me that it would be OK to have it. My sensibility told me that I knew better. You can have it, no you can’t. Yes you can, no you can’t. YES. NO. YES. NO!!!!!!!!! S T O P I T!

I sit writing about my experience today; allowing myself to share my struggles with my addiction. I constantly have to allow myself to understand what it could do you, to your family and your self-esteem. Understanding how it destroys lives if you let it. I had to admit that I am powerless over ____and that my life had become unmanageable. I have to pray the Serenity Prayer frequently. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

I stare at this monitor thinking back on today’s events. Measuring my response to today’s stresses. I rub my temples, pondering when it will not be a struggle for me. When I will be free? I am not going to let my shoulders bend. I am going to sit tall as I swing my feet in my PANTENT LEATHER MARY JANES.

Hey, what’s a girl to do?

In remembrance

September 11, 2011 at 2:34pm

As I watch the ceremonies and news story on 9/11, I am solemn.  In 2003 I lost my father and little sister within two months of each other. To make matters worst, my mother was very sick at the same time.  We thought she was going to be added to the list.  I was on edge.  I yelled at my supervisor so bad she told me to take some days off.  I had to get out.  Out for me is out of the city.  I searched the internet and there was an “I love New York” sale.  I booked a flight out on ATA for the next afternoon and a hotel on the internet.

On the plane, I was still wound up…still angry.  I left without calling my family.  I called my sisters.  Rita said OK but Yvette expressed her concern because I was going to a dangerous city by myself.  Yatta Yatta Yatta.  I will call when I get there.  When I was trying to find my hotel in midtown, I walked past Studio 57 and smiled.  It reflected a time of heighten senses and freedom.  My room was a single and very small. The window was messed up and all I could hear was the loud noice of the city shuffle.  I just laughed.

As I walk the city streets of NY, I felft invisible.  I watched people whirl by, cars blowing their horns, city vehicles cutting you off, everyone just going about their business.  I felt like I did not exist.  I was standing in the midst of chaos and I was still stressed.  Maybe this was a mistake coming here.

The next day, I decided to tour the city.  I’d been to the city before but it was dictated by someone else’s agenda.  I walked.  I went to Harlem looking for Bill Clinton, walked through Central Park, Times Square, went to the top of Empire State Building, the Garment District, walked through Chelsa, Gramercy, Greenwich Village, Soho, Little Italy, Tibeca (upset that the Tribeca film festival started after I leave), and Chinatown.

I walked… and then all of a sudden it was calm.  The noise was hushed; something happened.  I turned to my left, Wall Street and to my right, there it was….the site of the World Trade Center.  As I looked at the memorial wall, the air in my lungs tightens and I felt something spiraling through my body to my head.  I felt the quiet, the reverence, and the peace.  At that moment, I knew why I came to NY.

I came to NY to be reminded that people lost their lives, not because they neglected themselves and fell to illness but through an act of violence.  Their families didn’t have to time to prepare for their deaths as I did.  I came to NY to be grateful.  I was given time.  All my anger and stress left me.  I prayed at the wall.  As I began to walk, my spirit was quiet.  I ended my journey in Battery Park.  As I sat on a bench looking at the Statute of Liberty, I said a prayer of gratitude.  I sat watching the sunset give way to the night realizing it was time.  I could go home.  I boarded the train back to my hotel in silence.  I found peace in NYC.